"This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox." - Anthony Jeselnik
"I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it." - Demetri Martin
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." - Joan Rivers
"One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December." - Louis C.K.
"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge." - Jerry Seinfeld
"I learned about sex the hard way… from books." - Emo Phillips
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