Chuck Norris Facts Part 1

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The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.

Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no live witnesses.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

They say God cast Satan to Hell, this isn't true. Satan just pissed Chuck Norris off and Chuck roundhouse kicked him into hell.

Chuck Norris doesn't need birth control, his sperm KNOWS better!

Chuck Norris does not fight cavities, they are too scared to form in his teeth.

Chuck Norris knows to ways to open a door, one is to turn the door knob and push, the other is to throw you through it first.

When Chuck Norris breaks up with his girlfriend, he doesn't kick her to the curb.....he kicks the curb at her.

The term "I will slap you into next week" was put to shame when Chuck Norris went into next week and roundhouse kicked a person into 1200 B.C.

When Chuck Norris takes a crap, someone else's toilet over flows.

Chuck Norris got a speeding ticket, from a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris watched the Texas Chain Saw Massacre and fell asleep laughing.

When Chuck Norris heard the song "take this job and shove it" he did.

If Chuck Norris only had one eye and was paralyzed from the waste down, he would use his tongue for a roundhouse lick!

Chuck Norris doesn't smoke cigarrettes, cigarrettes smoke for Chuck Norris.

CHUCK NORRIS invented water.

Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Chuck Norris did a roundhouse kick to set it all in motion.

Chuck Norris once was asked to cure a boy of cancer. He did a roundhouse kick that left the boy unharmed and the cancer ran in fear